Throw Baby From The Train….

There is a great scene in the Billy Crystal, Danny Devito film Throw Momma From The Train when Crystal’s character finally cracks and he announces that he is off to kill Devito’s mother.

Strangely enough I was reminded of that very scene last night, or more precisely this morning, just after four am when my partner Becky leapt from our bed and stormed towards the bedroom door announcing, “That’s it…!”

“Where are you going?” I asked with trepidation over the noise of our son, who at this point was doing a great impression of being murdered by a Mad Max type gang in his nursery.

“I’m… going… to…,” pause, deep inhale of breath, “get him some milk!”

“Phew, I thought you were about to say you were going to kill him!” And she looked at me the way mothers do – as if this had never occurred to her and it was only me that had these terrible thoughts.

Danger, Will Robinson!

My ten month old son has just entered that phase where he now has the ability to kill himself in a hundred different ways every single day.

The parental amazement that your little bundle of joy can get around under their own steam lasts for just as long as it takes your beautiful baby to reach the nearest plug socket and start to lick it.

In the middle of a nappy change my son likes to flip round on to his belly and then scamper to the edge of the changing table where he will rock back and forth precariously, laughing in the face of complete disaster. He is fearless… or maybe just an idiot!

Some would say that their behaviour is based on a total lack of understanding for consequence and this may be true. However, I like to believe it’s something more mysterious. I think we are all born with a little bit of Evel Knievel in us and it’s only time and society that beats this daredevil mentality out of us (unless of course you’re Evel Knievel!).

If you gave any baby the choice of climbing a mountain of pillows or climbing an electricity pylon they would choose the pylon every time. What does that tell you? Probably best not to try to prove this theory at home!

So, what I’m saying is that we all need to be a little more carefree, a little more adventurous in our life. As Gahndi once said, “learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.” It’s a sentiment that makes a lot of sense, you know. With that in mind I’m off to jump 40 motorcycles in a double decker bus.

Oh! Oh! Help! That Just Smells Really Really Bad!

I thoroughly enjoy being a Dad. I relish the roller coaster ride of parenthood and do my best to embrace and enjoy every new challenge. And, as I am constantly finding out, there are plenty of new challenges on an almost daily basis.

My ten month old son is now mobile. He can crawl at speeds of up to 35mph on a flat surface and will suddenly appear right beside me as if from nowhere. I am overjoyed at this in one way, as he is no longer a helpless baby but turning into a small boy, full of mischief, charm and adventure.

In another way his mobility terrifies me as he will scuttle rapidly out the bedroom, across the hallway and loom precariously at the top of the stairs, threatening to take a header all the way to the bottom. This would not be a good thing.

However, there is one change I am not enjoying. One change that I really can’t stand or stomach and that is what is currently going on in the bottom department. My child has gone from passing small, innocuous stools to having a bottom of mass destruction!

This tiny being is capable of producing poo that would rival the best any grown man could produce after a night out on curry and beer. This is no longer tiny baby poo. This is exactly like you or I going to the toilet in a nappy – and he is capable of doing this up to four times a day. The boy must be like a bloody Tardis inside!

My partner Becky and I now have full blown arguments over changing his nappy. Either that or we attempt to bargain our way out of changing Noah’s nappies. To this end I currently owe Becky slightly over twelve thousand pounds in nappy bribes!

If my son ate these he may launch himself into space!