“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell so sweet. – William Shakespeare.

Choosing a name for your child is not a simple process. We bought a book of names, in fact we bought several books of names – all without exception were completely useless. My advice to you is only name your child from a book of names if you want them to suffer a lifetime of ridicule and having their head flushed down the loo. (The latter may lessen a little once they get past 30 years of age.)

“The Big Book of Boys Names” suggested to us such gems as ‘Park – An outdoor name, surrounded by greenery’. ‘Pavement - Grounded, humble, has chewing gum stuck to him’. ‘Adolf - Noble wolf, not so popular since the 1940s.’

Another danger is that you have to make sure your child does not end up a “two-namer”. My friend Rob Stewart is a “two-namer”. This is probably because he has a first name for a first name and first name for a second name. Ostensibly, he has two first names!

The main problem that this causes is that friends will never refer to your child by just their first name. This is Rob Stewart’s, er, I mean Rob’s problem. Even after 20 years of friendship it’s still, ‘Oh, we are all going round to Rob Stewart’s,’ or ‘Is Rob Stewart coming along?’

A bigger problem to watch out for, especially if you have a first name for a second name – just like Rob Stewart, shit! I mean Rob, is that life could become very complicated if you decide to give your child a second name for a first name. So, If ROB’s parents (phew!) had decided to call him Smith, he would now be called Smith Stewart – which, when you think about how things are processed in the world of bureaucracy, would just play havoc with bills, legal documents and voting rights.

So, my rules for naming your offspring are thus:

1. Stick to something simple.
2. Make sure it runs well together.
3. And for Goodness Sake don’t call him Adolf!

Where do you weigh whales? At a whale weigh station!